Inspired

My first five weeks of college have gone by and I have yet to post. That is a long time. But I know that I have certainly been busy. And I haven't really known what to write about (except when I'm trying to fall asleep - I swear I write entire essays in my head some nights).

However, lately I have been feeling very inspired by some ladies (and a few guys) whose blogs or Instagram accounts I follow. There is way more good and awesome to social media than one might expect.

I've been feeling more artsy. More like taking photographs of candid life. More like photographing the people in my life. More like doodling. More like creating.

I've been feeling more like taking care of myself. More like dressing up nice because it makes me happy. More like making a concerted effort to eat right and exercise more. More like being around people who make me feel good about myself and about them.

I've been feeling a greater desire to be genuine. To be real with the people in my life. To admit my shortcomings and struggles to others. To make meaningful relationships and show other people that I care.

I've been feeling like I need to grow closer to God. Like I should be doing more stuff for Him, and not just living for me. That I should put in the effort when I know that I really do have the energy and I'm just being lazy.

I really want to give life my all. My 100%. I want to never give up. I want to feel continually inspired by the big things and by the little moments. I want to strive to change the things that need changing if it is in my power to do so. I want to be able to make the hard choice.

I know I can. How?

Because I can say no to the extra two cookies or the pizza line in the dining hall. Because I can study a bit more and go on Facebook a bit less. Because I can read at least one Psalm more of my Bible each day. Because I can budget better so that I can afford healthier items at the store. 

I really, really want to grow in these areas. Also, I know I am going to not follow through a lot. I've tried to find little reminders for myself. Like writing this on my arm:

Hopefully, these little things will help.

In conclusion, I want to leave you with a few things that have inspired me lately.

Ashley Campbell at Under the Sycamore. Her writing. Her genuineness. Her photography. Her artsy-ness.

Kelle Hampton at Enjoying the Small Things. Again: writing, genuineness, photography, style. Her life motto.

The Kacirek family and their story. Especially their children Lucia and Cephas. Just adopted as teens after being neglected in orphanages for over a decade (to the point that their bodies are seriously damaged) and still have the most beautiful hearts and strength. When the Kacireks finally were able to return to Cephas' Lucia's country to bring them home, Lucia told them that she knew they would come back for her. Seriously well worth your time to read. I tear up every time.

This story of orphans and kids from a rural village in Uganda having ice cream for the first time.

Humans of New York. The photography. How real he captures people. How wonderfully different people are.

I hope you enjoy these tidbits of life as much as I have.

Have a great week!

Eleven Days

I haven't sat down to write in a while. It's not that I haven't had time, but just that I've been so caught up in all the many other things going on that I haven't really thought about it. With that being said, right now, this small, transitory chapter of my life is one I really want to remember.

I leave for college in eleven days. Oh my goodness. My throat tightens up a bit at the thought. I feel so many things all at once. I am scared and excited and thrilled and nervous and happy all at once. I can't wait to begin this new adventure, but I'm also a bit sad, knowing that I will be leaving what I've grown up with, my childhood, behind. Not only will I be hours away from my family, but from the area I know, the places I frequent, the familiarity of living in one place for so many years. I will be leaving the routines and security of knowing what's next for a great, gaping unknown.

But oh goodness is it exciting! I will be living with people I have not met, running my own schedule, totally in control of making sure I have what I need, managing my own affairs, and knowing that the responsibility for my life is my own. I will be looking for the future, for where my path will take me once college is done. A lot of that I don't quite know yet. Especially since, as scary as it is to say, I don't know exactly what I want to do after college.

Really, that is a very normal thing for young people to not know. At least half of my friends don't have any firm ideas yet. But for me...I always knew exactly. Or so I thought. Since third grade, I've said I wanted to become a doctor. Until I got older and realized that I really did not want that life for myself. So my path is veering in an unknown direction that might lead me far away from the medical field entirely. I just have to trust God and know that He will make my paths straight, just like He has faithfully so far (and yet it is so hard for me to trust Him, even when I know that He will never, ever fail me).

In fact, that brings me around to something else that I have been doing lately: I opened up my own "business" of sorts, selling prints. I opened up a shop on Etsy called Bright Light Designs and am selling photographs and digital art prints. I am very excited about it, especially because of what I hope to do with the shop. But that really deserves its own post, so I will wait to write more on that for now. In the meantime, check out my shop!

So back to right now, what I want to remember. I have these last few days here, less than two weeks. Only a few more days working at the job I love. In two years, traversing to college will probably seem old hat. I'll think back and realize that I had nothing to worry about. But right now, I do worry and wonder and dream. It's all a blank book, the words not yet scrawled in. That's kind of a nice feeling, knowing that I have so many options and opportunities ahead. Exhilarating in the way that a roller coaster is - scary and heart wrenching, but exciting and fun, with the knowledge of unexpected twists and turns ahead. I want to remember the fluttery feeling in my chest - as if my heart is full of helium, but weighted down with sandbags - and the tightness of my throat - the same you get right before walking on to a stage or taking a huge test. This time won't happen again. Right between childhood and adulthood, between living at home and independence, between what I know and what has yet to be discovered.

I have eleven days left - and you better bet that I am going to make the most of every single one of them.

The Everlasting Struggle

This latest chapter of The Reason for God struck home quite resoundingly. Especially at this time in my life, with so much change imminent. Through all of high school, I knew what my goal was: do well so I can get into a good college. But now I don't know exactly what I want to do after college. And even more worrisome to me, I don't know what God wants me to do.

I feel a great pressure to choose the path that will lead me to the most renown in the world of science, where I can do great things, wonderful things. I feel like if I do not do this, I will fail. And surely none of this is bad; after all, I could do a lot of good that way. But is that my focus? Is that all I am aiming for or am I wanting to follow this path because God wants me to?

Keller says that "sin is the despairing refusal to find your deepest identity in relationship and service to God." And I wonder, is that what I'm doing? I would love to say, "Of course not!" Yet if I'm honest with myself, I know that there are many areas of my life where I have set my identity on something besides God, my career ambitions included. I cannot help but wish that it were easier. I know that God won't fail me. I know that He has big plans for me, and I need to step my "natural self" aside and let God take controls. Yet part of me, a large part, is too terrified to give up so easily.

Referencing Ernest Becker, Keller describes this as a "child's need for self-worth" as the "condition for his life" driving him to look for "cosmic significance." Now isn't that a tasty word? Cosmic significance. Don't we all want to be remembered? Don't we all want our lives to have an impact that will change the course of history, even in some small way, until the end of time? Therein lies our struggle. We are all scared to be forgotten, scared that if our careers are not successful enough, or our families don't do well enough, or if we aren't good enough friends, or known by enough people, we will be forgotten.

When I step back and look at this mindset, God is clearly not the center, and, as Keller says, "a life not centered on God leads to emptiness." If we don't look to God, we will eventually be forgotten in the throws of time. If we don't look to God, no amount of "success" will give us the security of really mattering in the course of history. But when we do look to God, we see that we won't be forgotten, that we already matter and always will, and that in the end, everything will be okay. No matter how grand or small our lives look from the outside, putting God at the center is the one and only thing that will fulfill us.

There begins the endless battle between our heart and soul. Our human hearts are scared to give up control, especially in every area, and so we fall into sin, because "sin is not simply doing bad things, it is putting good things in the place of God." The first Commandment, the most encompassing Commandment. Have no others gods. Put nothing before God. Do not give anything more significance, meaning, or power in your life than God.

I do this, and quite a lot. I put entertainment, recreation, work, food, exercise, my idea of "security," my pride, before God. I push Him off until tomorrow, later, next time, even though every bit of sense in me knows that I'm doing it wrong.

And such goes the eternal, perpetual struggle of humanity against ourselves.

Mere Words

It seems that lately I've encountered a large number of people who don't believe in God, atheists and agnostics, from YouTube to friends to acquaintances. Seeing the vast numbers of people out there who don't know the God I know makes my heart hurt, and really makes me feel a bit defeated. I feel no threat when people question or argue against my beliefs, but sometimes I just don't know how to respond. How do I lay it out rationally enough that those arguing against the logic of a God can see my side? What can I say to make someone care who really doesn't think it matters whether or not there is a God?

I want to be able to have beautiful, flawless rebuttals, with no logical gaps, that inspire such a profound awe of this deity that I'm describing, that the other person can't help but want to know Him.

But I can't do that. Maybe for some amazing writer, at just the right time, when filled with the Holy Spirit, to just the right person, that can happen. Maybe even me. But not every time I share my faith with someone.

I think a large part of the problem lies in the way we approach such topics as religion. Today we live in a science-filled, rational society where atheism and skepticism are becoming more normal, and often associated with higher thinking and intelligence. But this overlooks a massive part of who we are, inherently, as humans. Albert Camus explores this in The Stranger through the purely rational figure of Mersault. Camus shows that humans cannot exist and live with reason and logic as their sole resource to maneuver through life. In fact, nearly every other person besides Mersault himself is horrified, almost disgusted, at his purely rational perspective on life and death.

Although this is a fictional novel, few can say that they would act differently if they were the jury in Mersault's trial. Why? Because humans are inherently emotional. We can't help but feel pain at the idea of a parent dying and shock that Mersault could care so little. We all know that we feel and hurt and long for things beyond the realm of rational. In our most inner selves, we are not rational creatures. We care for others and we understand the difference between right and wrong beyond the scope of laws (and now I'm purposely not addressing the debate over what defines right and wrong because regardless of each person's personal morals, there is still some right and some wrong to everyone).

Why then do many people choose to ignore this when discussing the existence of God? If we love, hurt, care, feel passion and anger, hope and despair, surely there is something beyond logical explanation driving these feelings? To even begin to understand God, one has to approach the topic with their heart open, as well as their mind.

When I think of God, I don't first think of the factual, concrete aspects of God, such as the church, and miracles, and the beauty of the Earth, all of which point me to God. No, I think of something internal. A feeling that is more than a feeling. A knowledge that I am not alone that transcends a hope or belief. I know that He will always be there with me and I know that He is looking out for me, my friends and family, the world. I know because I have felt Him right there with me. When you feel God's presence, there is no denying it. He captures your heart and your soul like nothing possibly can besides God. He will leave you gasping in awe, tears streaming down your face, your heart close to exploding with joy and love and relief and passion and hope all at once. He will so consume you with His embrace that hours will pass and it will feel like a mere twenty minutes. He will bring you to your knees and show you that the love you feel, even towards the people you love more than anyone else, is nothing at all compared to the marvelous immensity of Love that He feels towards you.

Rational thought cannot explain those experiences. Logic cannot tell you how a person can feel so many things, so intensely, all at once. Sure, there is a science behind the chemicals that flood our body and the reasons why people cry at strong emotions. But that doesn't tell you why. Nothing can, but God.

I wish that my words would go out to all the people who don't know God and, at the very least, plant a tiny seed of who God is. If you don't know God, I really and truly hope that my simple thoughts might stir some of your own and maybe you will see the proof of God that so far transcends reason.

Chapter Four

The fourth chapter of The Reason for God felt so relevant to today's society. But I think I'm going to be saying that about every chapter. But this chapter really seemed so simple, and yet so profound. Summed up the chapter talks about how the Christians don't always reflect Christianity, and how God's people don't always reflect God. Why? Because we're a bunch of silly, stubborn, self-absorbed, egotistical humans.

Keller puts it this way: "The behavior of Christians...has undermined the plausibility of Christianity for so many people." Every day, ordinary people who are also Christians are failing to meet the standards God sets for us. But what people on the outside don't see, as Keller explains, is that being a Christian doesn't mean you are the best of the best. Instead, it means that you realize just how messed up you are and that you need God's grace because "our moral attempts are too feeble and falsely motivated to ever merit salvation."

Now, I'm not an expert on a lot of other religions, but it seems to me (although I may be wrong) that a lot of other religions emphasize the necessity of winning approval from God or the gods, from praying a certain way or a certain number of times or doing good works or not doing certain things. And in some ways, Christianity does, too, through the commandments and teachings. And don't get me wrong - these are so important. But they aren't how we are saved.

What does this mean? It means that Christians are going to mess up. Some people won't do "enough." Some people will do "too much," and become the people more focused on doing the Christian-y looking things than living out the love and acceptance that Christ teaches; Keller calls these "fanatics." All of these things, from the outside, make Christianity seem hollow. Because what is the point if the Christians themselves aren't doing what they tell others to do?

The point is: that isn't the point.

Although the church and the people that comprise it are ultimately epic failures, that right there is the point of Christianity. "The church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints." And that's why everyone is welcome. We all need a little Jesus-medicine.

Psalm 23

I had full intention of finishing my post about the fourth chapter of The Reason for God. And then this post came into my head, and I had to get my thoughts out.

Psalm 23 is one of the first Bible verses I ever memorized, and in the King James Version. I don't recall how or when, but I have known it by heart for as long as I can remember. It is one of my very favorites, and somehow its beautiful words speak a different meaning to me every time, in totally different circumstances, yet are always so profound and relevant. I think everyone needs a Psalm or any Bible verse like that.

The Lord is my shepherd.

 

Lately, I have been feeling a bit lost, purposeless almost. A large portion of that is probably because high school is over, and the college details are pretty much finalized. For a long time, doing my best in high school and getting into a good college was my purpose. I knew what to do: make my college application the best it could be. Now...what? Obviously, that what is going to college in the fall in the clearer sense, but in a way, I still feel lost. Another part of that is simply that I feel farther from God. Not as if He has moved away, but that I have drifted off, started ignoring Him. This line reminds me that He is my shepherd. As a shepherd guides his sheep, so does God guide my life. 

 

I shall not want.

 

I have been in a massive shopping mood lately. My goodness. Hours on Amazon and various other websites and going to stores. But I never buy anything. I look and look and bookmark and save, but I keep just wanting things. The $50 pair of shoes? Want them. $120 quilt? Pssh, I need that. $30 top? I really don't have one like that yet.... Honestly, it has gotten to the point the last few days that my work that needs doing, is being ignored.

 

I don't need that stuff. I do not need a super fancy new bedspread for college. I don't need a new wardrobe when I'm already concerned about fitting all my clothes in the dorm closet. What I need is God. Because I am giving a bunch of silly material things way more time than I'm giving Him.

 

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. He leadeth me beside the still waters.

 

I know God has my back, majorly. Right now my life is more peaceful than it has been in a very long time, and I am embracing that. There are so many blessings in my life, and I need to focus on praising Him for what He is giving me.

 

He restoreth my soul.

 

What I just said is especially poignant in light of where I was a year ago, sixteen months ago. It was a very rough time in my life when I felt very alone, and very hurt. My soul was broken and I remember quite literally feeling like my heart was just worn out, bruised, and sore for a long, long time. Today, I can see how far I have come. God has truly restored my soul. I am not only so much happier, but stronger and more joyful now.

 

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

 

This is a reminder to me of why I choose to live how I do. It is really not easy to be a teenager or young person in this society and live my life how God commands. But I try my hardest for Him. Because honestly, God is so worth my efforts. He has done so much for me. If I can do something little for Him by trying my best to live an upright life, how can I not?

 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

 

Come at me, bro.

 

 

This world can't stop me. It has nothing on me. I have God at my side. Nothing can stand against me when the King of the Universe has my back. Not even if it was Chuck Norris, Batman, Gandalf, and Doctor Who wrapped into one.

 

For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

 

 I know that God is looking out for me. On bad days or when I'm exhausted, I know that I will be just fine because I have God to talk to and the Bible to read. There is an instruction manual to life, in a sense. God's plan, though often cryptic, is laid out in the Bible. There are always words of comfort or wisdom or guidance to be found.

 

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies. Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

 

I cannot even describe the blessings God has put in my life. And I feel like this can almost start to sound pretentious, but truly...you guys, I could not have done everything I have in the past four years, or year, or six months, without God. From my grades in school to extracurricular activities that I've been a part of to college and scholarships to jobs. You guys have no idea how incredibly God-orchestrated so many of those things were. And really, I don't either. I just hope I can show my gratitude in some teeny, measly way.

 

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

 

When I need a reminder that it isn't this world I'm living for.

Far Beyond Me

There is something unnervingly raw about the guttural destruction a tornado can bring. The aftermath of the tornadoes in Oklahoma has had me in tears this afternoon. It is poignantly significant to the second chapter of The Reason for God. I think it's impossible to understand this tragedy. There are no humans on which to cast the blame of sin, no accidental mechanical malfunction. The tornadoes are simply the Earth, the planet that is home to all of us, gathering its forces and destroying all the structures humans have made to thwart nature. This time, we lost; nature beat us.

We can not help but ask: where was God?

Even the most ardent believer will ask that. We all doubt. We all wonder. We all cry out why amid the tears of pain.

My head knows the answer to that question: God was there, with every single person. He was the teachers sheltering their students, the parents hurrying to their children's sides, the rescuers pulling the injured out of the rubble. I know that God was there, and God is good, and that God loves every person in Oklahoma.

But my heart still wonders why God didn't stop it. Because He could have. I have no doubt. But the reason is far beyond me.

I think part of my answer lies in that sentence. The answer is far beyond me. If God is the God we believe in, why do we assume that we can understand His ways? Are we so arrogant to think that our small selves, who so often cannot see beyond our own noses, could fathom the cosmic workings of the universe?

There is terrible, brutal devastation. But there are also passionate embraces ripe with far more meaning than a quiet ending to the day ever could given. Hearts around the nation, and around the world, are realizing that the material possessions we have, the clothes, the books, the cars, actually have so little meaning. A deeply divided nation is slowly being brought closer as tragedy after tragedy rips through our cities.

This good may not lessen the depth of hurt felt by everyone affected. But surely it makes it more bearable. And this is only what my feeble mind can conjure up. Who can imagine what God's eyes see? Surely it is a masterpiece far greater than anything Da Vinci ever dreamed of or more beautiful than Michelangelo ever painted.

As Timothy Keller says, we "need hope that our sufferings 'are not in vain.'" Because of Christ, they are not. And more than that, Keller reveals something striking. Just because God has some far off cosmic plan, that does not mean that God is "off the hook" for the pain of the world. Instead, "God came to Earth deliberately to put himself on the hook of human suffering." That is certainly a new thought. But how incredible does that idea seem? And really, doesn't that make so much sense?

Think about it. Christ died to take the blame for all the sin and suffering in the world. He was innocent and blameless, but took on the punishments for every single person, enduring the loss of God's presence, so that someday, we will have more than this world filled with suffering. He offered a gift, so that despite the tragedy and really, unfathomably terrible times, we will be renewed into a life that is twice as unfathomably glorious and wonderful as Earth is painful.

In the words of Sam Gamgee that Keller relays - and I am never impartial to a Lord of the Rings reference - "is everything sad going to come untrue?" Yes. Someday, yes, it really and truly will.