The Everlasting Struggle

This latest chapter of The Reason for God struck home quite resoundingly. Especially at this time in my life, with so much change imminent. Through all of high school, I knew what my goal was: do well so I can get into a good college. But now I don't know exactly what I want to do after college. And even more worrisome to me, I don't know what God wants me to do.

I feel a great pressure to choose the path that will lead me to the most renown in the world of science, where I can do great things, wonderful things. I feel like if I do not do this, I will fail. And surely none of this is bad; after all, I could do a lot of good that way. But is that my focus? Is that all I am aiming for or am I wanting to follow this path because God wants me to?

Keller says that "sin is the despairing refusal to find your deepest identity in relationship and service to God." And I wonder, is that what I'm doing? I would love to say, "Of course not!" Yet if I'm honest with myself, I know that there are many areas of my life where I have set my identity on something besides God, my career ambitions included. I cannot help but wish that it were easier. I know that God won't fail me. I know that He has big plans for me, and I need to step my "natural self" aside and let God take controls. Yet part of me, a large part, is too terrified to give up so easily.

Referencing Ernest Becker, Keller describes this as a "child's need for self-worth" as the "condition for his life" driving him to look for "cosmic significance." Now isn't that a tasty word? Cosmic significance. Don't we all want to be remembered? Don't we all want our lives to have an impact that will change the course of history, even in some small way, until the end of time? Therein lies our struggle. We are all scared to be forgotten, scared that if our careers are not successful enough, or our families don't do well enough, or if we aren't good enough friends, or known by enough people, we will be forgotten.

When I step back and look at this mindset, God is clearly not the center, and, as Keller says, "a life not centered on God leads to emptiness." If we don't look to God, we will eventually be forgotten in the throws of time. If we don't look to God, no amount of "success" will give us the security of really mattering in the course of history. But when we do look to God, we see that we won't be forgotten, that we already matter and always will, and that in the end, everything will be okay. No matter how grand or small our lives look from the outside, putting God at the center is the one and only thing that will fulfill us.

There begins the endless battle between our heart and soul. Our human hearts are scared to give up control, especially in every area, and so we fall into sin, because "sin is not simply doing bad things, it is putting good things in the place of God." The first Commandment, the most encompassing Commandment. Have no others gods. Put nothing before God. Do not give anything more significance, meaning, or power in your life than God.

I do this, and quite a lot. I put entertainment, recreation, work, food, exercise, my idea of "security," my pride, before God. I push Him off until tomorrow, later, next time, even though every bit of sense in me knows that I'm doing it wrong.

And such goes the eternal, perpetual struggle of humanity against ourselves.

Mere Words

It seems that lately I've encountered a large number of people who don't believe in God, atheists and agnostics, from YouTube to friends to acquaintances. Seeing the vast numbers of people out there who don't know the God I know makes my heart hurt, and really makes me feel a bit defeated. I feel no threat when people question or argue against my beliefs, but sometimes I just don't know how to respond. How do I lay it out rationally enough that those arguing against the logic of a God can see my side? What can I say to make someone care who really doesn't think it matters whether or not there is a God?

I want to be able to have beautiful, flawless rebuttals, with no logical gaps, that inspire such a profound awe of this deity that I'm describing, that the other person can't help but want to know Him.

But I can't do that. Maybe for some amazing writer, at just the right time, when filled with the Holy Spirit, to just the right person, that can happen. Maybe even me. But not every time I share my faith with someone.

I think a large part of the problem lies in the way we approach such topics as religion. Today we live in a science-filled, rational society where atheism and skepticism are becoming more normal, and often associated with higher thinking and intelligence. But this overlooks a massive part of who we are, inherently, as humans. Albert Camus explores this in The Stranger through the purely rational figure of Mersault. Camus shows that humans cannot exist and live with reason and logic as their sole resource to maneuver through life. In fact, nearly every other person besides Mersault himself is horrified, almost disgusted, at his purely rational perspective on life and death.

Although this is a fictional novel, few can say that they would act differently if they were the jury in Mersault's trial. Why? Because humans are inherently emotional. We can't help but feel pain at the idea of a parent dying and shock that Mersault could care so little. We all know that we feel and hurt and long for things beyond the realm of rational. In our most inner selves, we are not rational creatures. We care for others and we understand the difference between right and wrong beyond the scope of laws (and now I'm purposely not addressing the debate over what defines right and wrong because regardless of each person's personal morals, there is still some right and some wrong to everyone).

Why then do many people choose to ignore this when discussing the existence of God? If we love, hurt, care, feel passion and anger, hope and despair, surely there is something beyond logical explanation driving these feelings? To even begin to understand God, one has to approach the topic with their heart open, as well as their mind.

When I think of God, I don't first think of the factual, concrete aspects of God, such as the church, and miracles, and the beauty of the Earth, all of which point me to God. No, I think of something internal. A feeling that is more than a feeling. A knowledge that I am not alone that transcends a hope or belief. I know that He will always be there with me and I know that He is looking out for me, my friends and family, the world. I know because I have felt Him right there with me. When you feel God's presence, there is no denying it. He captures your heart and your soul like nothing possibly can besides God. He will leave you gasping in awe, tears streaming down your face, your heart close to exploding with joy and love and relief and passion and hope all at once. He will so consume you with His embrace that hours will pass and it will feel like a mere twenty minutes. He will bring you to your knees and show you that the love you feel, even towards the people you love more than anyone else, is nothing at all compared to the marvelous immensity of Love that He feels towards you.

Rational thought cannot explain those experiences. Logic cannot tell you how a person can feel so many things, so intensely, all at once. Sure, there is a science behind the chemicals that flood our body and the reasons why people cry at strong emotions. But that doesn't tell you why. Nothing can, but God.

I wish that my words would go out to all the people who don't know God and, at the very least, plant a tiny seed of who God is. If you don't know God, I really and truly hope that my simple thoughts might stir some of your own and maybe you will see the proof of God that so far transcends reason.

Chapter Four

The fourth chapter of The Reason for God felt so relevant to today's society. But I think I'm going to be saying that about every chapter. But this chapter really seemed so simple, and yet so profound. Summed up the chapter talks about how the Christians don't always reflect Christianity, and how God's people don't always reflect God. Why? Because we're a bunch of silly, stubborn, self-absorbed, egotistical humans.

Keller puts it this way: "The behavior of Christians...has undermined the plausibility of Christianity for so many people." Every day, ordinary people who are also Christians are failing to meet the standards God sets for us. But what people on the outside don't see, as Keller explains, is that being a Christian doesn't mean you are the best of the best. Instead, it means that you realize just how messed up you are and that you need God's grace because "our moral attempts are too feeble and falsely motivated to ever merit salvation."

Now, I'm not an expert on a lot of other religions, but it seems to me (although I may be wrong) that a lot of other religions emphasize the necessity of winning approval from God or the gods, from praying a certain way or a certain number of times or doing good works or not doing certain things. And in some ways, Christianity does, too, through the commandments and teachings. And don't get me wrong - these are so important. But they aren't how we are saved.

What does this mean? It means that Christians are going to mess up. Some people won't do "enough." Some people will do "too much," and become the people more focused on doing the Christian-y looking things than living out the love and acceptance that Christ teaches; Keller calls these "fanatics." All of these things, from the outside, make Christianity seem hollow. Because what is the point if the Christians themselves aren't doing what they tell others to do?

The point is: that isn't the point.

Although the church and the people that comprise it are ultimately epic failures, that right there is the point of Christianity. "The church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints." And that's why everyone is welcome. We all need a little Jesus-medicine.

Psalm 23

I had full intention of finishing my post about the fourth chapter of The Reason for God. And then this post came into my head, and I had to get my thoughts out.

Psalm 23 is one of the first Bible verses I ever memorized, and in the King James Version. I don't recall how or when, but I have known it by heart for as long as I can remember. It is one of my very favorites, and somehow its beautiful words speak a different meaning to me every time, in totally different circumstances, yet are always so profound and relevant. I think everyone needs a Psalm or any Bible verse like that.

The Lord is my shepherd.

 

Lately, I have been feeling a bit lost, purposeless almost. A large portion of that is probably because high school is over, and the college details are pretty much finalized. For a long time, doing my best in high school and getting into a good college was my purpose. I knew what to do: make my college application the best it could be. Now...what? Obviously, that what is going to college in the fall in the clearer sense, but in a way, I still feel lost. Another part of that is simply that I feel farther from God. Not as if He has moved away, but that I have drifted off, started ignoring Him. This line reminds me that He is my shepherd. As a shepherd guides his sheep, so does God guide my life. 

 

I shall not want.

 

I have been in a massive shopping mood lately. My goodness. Hours on Amazon and various other websites and going to stores. But I never buy anything. I look and look and bookmark and save, but I keep just wanting things. The $50 pair of shoes? Want them. $120 quilt? Pssh, I need that. $30 top? I really don't have one like that yet.... Honestly, it has gotten to the point the last few days that my work that needs doing, is being ignored.

 

I don't need that stuff. I do not need a super fancy new bedspread for college. I don't need a new wardrobe when I'm already concerned about fitting all my clothes in the dorm closet. What I need is God. Because I am giving a bunch of silly material things way more time than I'm giving Him.

 

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. He leadeth me beside the still waters.

 

I know God has my back, majorly. Right now my life is more peaceful than it has been in a very long time, and I am embracing that. There are so many blessings in my life, and I need to focus on praising Him for what He is giving me.

 

He restoreth my soul.

 

What I just said is especially poignant in light of where I was a year ago, sixteen months ago. It was a very rough time in my life when I felt very alone, and very hurt. My soul was broken and I remember quite literally feeling like my heart was just worn out, bruised, and sore for a long, long time. Today, I can see how far I have come. God has truly restored my soul. I am not only so much happier, but stronger and more joyful now.

 

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

 

This is a reminder to me of why I choose to live how I do. It is really not easy to be a teenager or young person in this society and live my life how God commands. But I try my hardest for Him. Because honestly, God is so worth my efforts. He has done so much for me. If I can do something little for Him by trying my best to live an upright life, how can I not?

 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

 

Come at me, bro.

 

 

This world can't stop me. It has nothing on me. I have God at my side. Nothing can stand against me when the King of the Universe has my back. Not even if it was Chuck Norris, Batman, Gandalf, and Doctor Who wrapped into one.

 

For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

 

 I know that God is looking out for me. On bad days or when I'm exhausted, I know that I will be just fine because I have God to talk to and the Bible to read. There is an instruction manual to life, in a sense. God's plan, though often cryptic, is laid out in the Bible. There are always words of comfort or wisdom or guidance to be found.

 

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies. Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

 

I cannot even describe the blessings God has put in my life. And I feel like this can almost start to sound pretentious, but truly...you guys, I could not have done everything I have in the past four years, or year, or six months, without God. From my grades in school to extracurricular activities that I've been a part of to college and scholarships to jobs. You guys have no idea how incredibly God-orchestrated so many of those things were. And really, I don't either. I just hope I can show my gratitude in some teeny, measly way.

 

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

 

When I need a reminder that it isn't this world I'm living for.

Far Beyond Me

There is something unnervingly raw about the guttural destruction a tornado can bring. The aftermath of the tornadoes in Oklahoma has had me in tears this afternoon. It is poignantly significant to the second chapter of The Reason for God. I think it's impossible to understand this tragedy. There are no humans on which to cast the blame of sin, no accidental mechanical malfunction. The tornadoes are simply the Earth, the planet that is home to all of us, gathering its forces and destroying all the structures humans have made to thwart nature. This time, we lost; nature beat us.

We can not help but ask: where was God?

Even the most ardent believer will ask that. We all doubt. We all wonder. We all cry out why amid the tears of pain.

My head knows the answer to that question: God was there, with every single person. He was the teachers sheltering their students, the parents hurrying to their children's sides, the rescuers pulling the injured out of the rubble. I know that God was there, and God is good, and that God loves every person in Oklahoma.

But my heart still wonders why God didn't stop it. Because He could have. I have no doubt. But the reason is far beyond me.

I think part of my answer lies in that sentence. The answer is far beyond me. If God is the God we believe in, why do we assume that we can understand His ways? Are we so arrogant to think that our small selves, who so often cannot see beyond our own noses, could fathom the cosmic workings of the universe?

There is terrible, brutal devastation. But there are also passionate embraces ripe with far more meaning than a quiet ending to the day ever could given. Hearts around the nation, and around the world, are realizing that the material possessions we have, the clothes, the books, the cars, actually have so little meaning. A deeply divided nation is slowly being brought closer as tragedy after tragedy rips through our cities.

This good may not lessen the depth of hurt felt by everyone affected. But surely it makes it more bearable. And this is only what my feeble mind can conjure up. Who can imagine what God's eyes see? Surely it is a masterpiece far greater than anything Da Vinci ever dreamed of or more beautiful than Michelangelo ever painted.

As Timothy Keller says, we "need hope that our sufferings 'are not in vain.'" Because of Christ, they are not. And more than that, Keller reveals something striking. Just because God has some far off cosmic plan, that does not mean that God is "off the hook" for the pain of the world. Instead, "God came to Earth deliberately to put himself on the hook of human suffering." That is certainly a new thought. But how incredible does that idea seem? And really, doesn't that make so much sense?

Think about it. Christ died to take the blame for all the sin and suffering in the world. He was innocent and blameless, but took on the punishments for every single person, enduring the loss of God's presence, so that someday, we will have more than this world filled with suffering. He offered a gift, so that despite the tragedy and really, unfathomably terrible times, we will be renewed into a life that is twice as unfathomably glorious and wonderful as Earth is painful.

In the words of Sam Gamgee that Keller relays - and I am never impartial to a Lord of the Rings reference - "is everything sad going to come untrue?" Yes. Someday, yes, it really and truly will.

Why Christians Aren't the Best

This week (two weeks really) has been long. Filled with AP testing and studying and all sorts of other things. Five tests and four formal events in two weeks. Yikes. I have gotten to finishing the first chapter of The Reason for God, but not writing my thoughts. Now, I am finally sitting down to write.

Hello, all!

At first I wasn't sure what to write about, but since I have finished the chapter, one part has stood out to me and I keep thinking about it over and over. Honestly, it's a pretty different perspective on Christianity as a whole. Keller talks about how Christianity can save the world. Anyone can say that's a pretty bold statement, especially from the perspective of earthly saving and peace, rather than the divine peace of God. But then he throws out some even bolder statements and they totally make sense.

First off, he states that "Christianity provides a firm basis of respecting people of other faiths." I agree. I try my best to accept people of all different beliefs and I know a good many Christians out there do, too. But oh, do I fail. Lately especially God has shown me some pretty specific cases of me judging others, whether for different beliefs or different lifestyles. Typically, these are people that I don't really know. Because, sadly, these people, the people who we know the least about and should be making the least presumptions are the people we assume the most (and often the worst about). Ugh. God is challenging me hard on this.

And then Keller goes on to say the line that keeps striking me: "Christianity not only leads its members to believe people of other faiths have goodness and wisdom to offer, but it also leads them to expect that many will live lives morally superior to their own."

Come again?

Maybe I'm unique in this, but this is certainly pretty different than what I've been lead to believe my entire life. Aren't Christians the most upright? Aren't they supposed to be "the best" by some celestial standard? Isn't that what we should try to be?

Keller reminds me, pretty abruptly, that the answer to all of those is no. We are not all the best. I am sure as heck not the best or most morally upright. I know that. I know I can be a pretty massive fail sometimes.

TRFG (The Reason for God) reminds me why. It's because "God's grace does not come to people who morally outperform others, but to those who admit their failure to perform and who acknowledge their need for a savior." And that is just it. We Christians are just as messed up as everyone else. We can get caught up in really big problems, and sometimes we cause those really big problems. Just like every other person.

What's the difference? We realize that we need something bigger. I do. I need God and the gift of Christ's death. I am hopeless without it. That can be hard to admit. Some people think that it's weak to rely on an outside source. I disagree. I can tell you for sure that it's hard to let go of the notion that I can do everything by myself, especially in such a self-driven society (and I mean that in the sense that modern society world-wide promotes the idea that we can drive ourselves to be successful). It would be easier to think that if I look out for myself and try my hardest to be nice and do well, all by myself, I will get there. But I won't.

Because when I do mess up, then where is my hope? Because I will, and I have, and I know that if I don't have God, I have nothing. As Keller states, "at the very heart of [Christians'] view of reality [is] a man for his enemies, praying for their forgiveness." In that scene, as Jesus is dying, He gives life and forgiveness to us all. He did not just pray for the criminal on the cross beside Him, or the people executing Him, but for all of us. For me. Because I am just like that criminal and I am just like those who spit on Him. And that is a humbling thought.

But Christ gives us hope and a chance at redemption, through the very act of acknowledging and accepting Him. And we also know that "all human beings are made in the image of God, capable of goodness and wisdom." Yes, we are. We each have amazing potential, potential that we will not always reach every single day. But God is in us, and God loves us. Every single silly one of us.

Have a great day, friends!
Savannah

The Hard Questions

My time in high school is almost over. After four years, graduation is just three short weeks away. It seems insanely close. On one hand, I can't wait. But on the other, grade school is everything I know. I've been in school of some sort, including day care, for about as long as I can remember - all the way back to two years old. Now, once this year lets out, there won't be a next year.


Really, I'm ready. I'm at the right place and maturity to be moving out into the larger world of college. I'm both prepared and excited (albeit a bit nervously) for this next chapter of my life. On the same hand, my studies regarding my faith are ready to change. As I talked about in my previous post, I've just (about) finished reading through the Bible. I started looking for something new to start on, to dig deeper into my faith. I came across an online group study started by Stefanie over at Ni Hao Y'all over the book The Reason for God by Timothy Keller and decided it was right for me. Both perfect timing, and very relevant subject matter.




I have some beliefs that differ from the typical realm of what Christians believe. I love science, and come from a very science oriented family. I also love God, and come from a very God oriented family. But to most of society, those two don't compute. Some say that the science disproves the existence of God - after all, no more explanation is needed. Others insist that if I believe in all that science offers, I'm not really a Christian and I don't really know what I'm talking about. But I do. I've studied both sides, heard plenty from people on both ends of the spectrum, and in the middle, and know what I believe. And if you don't agree, I am so okay with that. You don't have to, and we can still be friends.

This is a large part of why Timothy Keller's book attracts me so much. He talks about the middle ground, how he finds himself there, and finds others like him. I feel like jumping up and saying, "Yes! Me too! I'm there, too!"

And I don't just mean regarding science. It applies just as much to the political nature of religion and the religious nature of politics. As much as it would be great, religion and politics cannot be separated. Maybe you realized that long ago, but I'm kind of just coming to acknowledge the falseness of my idealistic notions that people's beliefs and political views could be separate. Personally speaking, I try to keep my faith at the core of my life as much as I can. It doesn't always work, I mess up, but I try. Politics are a part of my life. I have yet to vote due to age, but I certainly have political views. Just watching the news for twenty minutes shows that the rest of America does, too - and often they aren't too kind about it. As Keller says, "the world is polarizing over religion." Politics and religion are the most heated topics. Why? Because they are interconnected. People (myself included) can get pretty riled up, pretty quickly, when people disagree with what they think or believe.

All of this comes down to doubt vs faith. Some people see these two things as mutually exclusive. The Reason for God says that they're actually not. And I agree. When someone finds what is in their head, the principals they run their life on, questioned, it sends up warning flags.s

My junior year was rough. Problems with family members and friends alike cropped up in my life all at once. It was tough and I had a lot of questions for God. What had I done wrong? Why now after so long of things being normal? Was I doing the right thing? If nothing I did helped, what was the point of trying at all? And the biggest of all...why was God letting this happen when I kept praying for things to get "fixed?"

I had doubts. Anyone would. There were a lot of things going on that I didn't understand. But I worked through them, and I grew in my faith and as a person because of them.

This is something that Keller talks about. Some people hold the truth of their beliefs so tight that they won't even allow the idea of doubts and questions. Others have so many doubts that they decide that surely there can't be a God. Honestly? I totally get both sides. Sometimes I wrestle with the bad things going on and wonder how these things can happen. Other times, I am just not in a place where I can bring myself to question God right then. The thing is...neither side is wrong - in moderation. The problems come when the faithful never ask the questions and the skeptics never realize the faith it takes to give in so fully to doubts.

If I had never took a good, hard look at what I believed when problems came up, I would probably have ended up hoping for something unrealistic. Rather than figure out what I needed to fix about myself and my life to work through things, I could have easily done nothing but plead to God to fix everything for me - when a large part of the fixing were steps that, with God's direction, I had to take myself.

On the other hand, I could just have easily have focused to much on the doubting side. I could have been so consumed by wondering why a good God let bad stuff happen, that I failed to see the good things happening, too.

But sometimes, or most times, one stance or the other is just easier. It's hard to question something you cling to for your life, that you are betting your existence and purpose on, whether that is God or a lack of Him. It's no wonder why debates over religion can get so heated and tense. The difficult part, I'm realizing, is that's what we need to do. Discussion with different people with different beliefs is really important because it helps both sides form stronger convictions and understand other people. And guys, understanding people makes it so much easier to accept them, and when we accept them, we can show them Christ's love how we are truly meant to show it.


I have so much more I could say. This is just over the introduction to the book, and I feel like I could keep typing for hours. But this is probably enough of my thoughts for this post.

I hope you (if you're part of the study, too) are enjoying the book as much as I am. Have a wonderful week!

Savannah